Summer come quick!

Oh the exciting life I do lead.

Heh. Not really. Nothing really changes.

Even though it's not officially summer, the weather in Dallas is HOT! And when I say HOT!, I mean hotter that the 9th circle of Dante's Inferno. Hotter than Satan's armpits. Hotter than... well you get the idea. It's not just the heat, it's also the humidity which doubles the feeling of the temperature. So it's not just hotter than hell, you feel like you are sitting in Satan's armpit. :-P How's that for a mental picture.

I love my job, but the summer is killer for us poor part timers. Our bright yellow polos are that thick cotton that suffocates you, and our dark blue baseball tees are.... well, dark. I'm pretty sure last summer didn't feel this killer.

Nothing at home has changed really. Pawpaw is out of the hospital, out of hospice, and back living in one of our spare rooms. It's day-to-day mostly one how he's doing. Today wasn't a good day. He had a headache all day, didn't eat anything, and hardly drank any water. My aunt Lizzy brought him a chocolate shake, and he went for that. He ate some at dinner, but Mom remarked that he doesn't eat enough to keep a bird alive. It's really hard to watch a loved one fading away right before your eyes, and right under your roof. I did this with my Nana 9 years ago. That was far tougher on me because I was so close to my Nana. Pawpaw mostly stays in his room watching old westerns on cable.

A bright spot on the horizon is my brother coming home on leave from the Navy. My favorite sailor will be with us for the 4th, and we are so going to the lake! Seriously, I'm not letting anything stop me from heading to East Texas in two weeks. I can't wait to get out on the water and go tubing and swimming.

I'm getting some fun in the sun this weekend as well. A group of friends are going to Hurricane Harbor on Saturday for a birthday party. I can't wait. I love swimming and playing in the water.

Dad's birthday was a couple of weeks ago. I put together an awesome slideshow in iMovie and burned it to a dvd. Dad was really impressed, not only by the effort, but by the pictures I had found around our house. There were baby pics that he'd never seen before that came from an envelope that Memaw had give him of childhood stuff. Now my uncle has me working on one for my aunt Carrie. This one has been a bit difficult because pictures being mailed from Kansas.

I had started swimming laps again for exercise. See how long that lasted. The summer is still young though. I just need to make it a priority to get in shape. I don't like feeling rusty before my time. I'm not even 30 yet! Ha!

My last grandparent

Pawpaw is in the hospital again.

Figures. He's so stubborn. He won't listen to what the doctors tell him. He just does what his lazy ass wants to. His kidneys are becoming problematic (due to the mounds of salt he consumes despite doctors' orders).  It's come down to he needs dialysis.

And he's refusing.

Yah.

I pray that I'm not this stubborn when I get old and need tons of medical care.

I can see the toll it's taking on my mom. This is her last living parent. Nana died almost 9 years ago. She's already stressed out, and I'm sure a breaking point is near. Pawpaw drives my mother up one wall and down the other under normal circumstances, so you can imagine how batty my mom is going now. Thinking about it now, this can't be good for her blood pressure.

The thing that's getting at me is that Pawpaw is my last grandparent. Even in all his cantankerousness, he's still my Pawpaw. He's still the phone call at Christmas pretending to be Santa. He's still the guy in the gorilla suit at Uncle Pete's trailer scaring the bejeezus out of us kids coming back from the Halloween hay ride in the Hill Country. He's still wild stories of wild shenanigans  in his youth.

Plans for Memorial Day weekend are very high up in the air right now. We could still go to the lake. My back up plan is going back to Scarborough Faire for one last hoorah. The escapist in me wants to hop in the car and go far, far away from all these problems (I've done that before :-P )

Prayers for my family would be greatly appreciated. The craziness has a trickle down effect in our house.

Sacrifice

Wow.

Tonight's sermon at church was on sacrifice. Pastor Andy started with a look back at a dark hour in the history of Texas... the Alamo.  One of my favorite legends of the Alamo was of William B. Travis drawing a line in the sand with his sword.  All but one chose to sacrifice their lives for the cause of the Alamo, and by doing so, gave Sam Houston time to rally and gather enough troops to defeat Santa Ana.  Travis' one sacrifice gave birth to the Republic of Texas.

Likewise, Jesus' death on the cross gave rise to millions of believers through the centuries.  Pastor Andy remarked at the paradox of the Gospel starting with death before life.

I had to examine my life for a minute before we took the Lord's Supper.  Am I a disciple, sacrificing my life so that it would be replaced by eternal life through Christ?  Or am I a groupie like the Greeks in John 12:20, who just came to get an autograph and see some cool miracles? I'm not so low that I'd consider myself a groupie by any means.  I'd most definitely not hesitate to cross the line in the sand for the sake of Christ.  But is that enough?

After the Lord's Supper, as the worship music played on, I still wrestled with that thought.  One song faded to another.  A lyric spoke of surrendering dreams.  A light went off in my head, illuminating a picture in the gallery of my mind.  London.  My dream.  My wish.  But, my will.

I knew what had to be done.  Back down the stairs I went to the front, grabbed a candle, lit it, and moved to the stage that was crowded with other candles showing God's movement in many lives.  There I knelt, and there I prayed, sacrificing my life long dream of moving to London.  It was like ripping off a bandaid really fast.  The march back up the stairs to my seat were numb.

5...

4...

Pastor Andy started to pray the benediction...

2...

1...

The dam burst and out came the tears of grief for a dream sacrificed.  A dream that may or may not have been in the cards for me, but given to God because it wouldn't be possible at all without Him.  My prayer was not only that of sacrifice but also for illumination to the path I'm walking.  Where will the wind blow me?  Dallas? Nashville?  Seattle?  Tokyo?  Or will my sacrificed dream return fulfilled?  Only God knows.

Not my will, but God's.  I will follow the path He leads me on and wherever it will take me.

Je ne parle pas français

Weird. The Blogger sign in page was in French. I don't know French, but luckily, I knew enough to sign in and change it back to English. Weird and funny.

I have been graced with an overabundance of free time. Normally, that's not scary, unless I decide to clean my room. Now that's scary!

BEFORE & AFTER

Don't you just love the view I have? It's nice to have it clean. I can have friends over now and not worry about losing them in blackhole.

If I don't get anything planned later in the week, I'll be on cleaning duty for the rest of the house in preparation for the arrival of family next week. Hotel Broadmoor will be opening to my family from the north.

I got my hair done yesterday. I don't have a satisfactory pic yet.  I hung out with my bestie Jade after she finished with my hair.  We went to see Confessions of a Shopaholic.  It was a cute movie.  Perfect for girl time. :-)

I officially now work for Lite FM now. It's a nice confirmation of still being employed after the earth shaking uncertainty of last week.  Kinda excited about the fresh start. Lord knows I need the work.

Today is Mardis Gras... maybe that's why Blogger went French.  Google did too.  I decided I'd participate in IBC's recognition of Lent this year.  I've firmly decided on giving up carbonated beverages, but I'm still on the fence about giving up meat sans seafood.  That one could prove tricky.

At least it's sunny in the bottom of the valley now.

Day 3 of MIA paycheck.  Turns out that my highly unappreciated $6 from Plato's Closet just saved me from a hefty overdraft fee.  It's greatly appreciated now.

As I was leaving to dash to the ATM, I got a phone call from my boss' boss.  Never really get calls from him, but seeing as we've just had a major unscheduled shake up at work, it's not a complete surprise.  We're having a staff meeting tomorrow night.  Dun dun dun!  OYes, to discuss our future employment.

On one side, super scary, anxiety-inducing anticipation of the unknown future.  On the other hand, I'm saving gas by not driving to Lewisville for rehearsal.

In an effort to battle my bills in lieu of an MIA paycheck, I'm going to have to ask my dad for a loan until my paycheck comes and/or my tax refund.

An Apathetic Desperation.

I'm in a bad way.  I need prayers.

Today is day 2 of an MIA paycheck.  My bills were due on Saturday [$500].  As if that were not enough, the radio station that I work for had a major format change to all Spanish language hit adult contemporary.  I still have a job, but a little warning would have been nice.  The subterfuge makes me feel like my job is in danger.

So now, I'm counting minutes not worked, sitting on my rear in my jammies, and hoping and praying that my tax refund hurries the hell up.  I was starting to wonder if I'm getting depressed again.  I got this way just before I left my job at Family Christian Store.  Feeling trapped, desperate, paralyzed, and depressed.

In an effort to get some money, I tried selling some clothes at Plato's Closet.  Out of an arm load of formal wear and a bag full of clothes, they only took 3 items.  Ouch.  I think a garage sale or even *gulp* eBay might have been better.  Maybe not as instant as I'd like though.

Anyways, I covet your prayers.

Proud of Pride and Prejudice

What a weekend!

We performed before a full house all 3 performances this weekend.  I only made one flub the first night, the rest of my performances were great.  I really happy that we've become a very close cast/  I hope that we can all still hang out after the play ends.  We have too much fun together.

We have a bit too much fun behind the scenes. lol!

I made it a goal to forget about financial woes during this weekend's run of performances.  It really helped, but now it's on my mind again.  My pay check goes into my bank at midnight tonight.  I'm hoping that there will be enough.  I'm not expecting to be able to pay my bills on my own.  I need $500 to cover my bills.  I have $61.  I'm only expecting $226 from my pay check.  It's getting a bit tight in here.

What's worse is that there is nothing on the schedule for next week.  I could be called in at any time for a few hours.  Being on call makes it difficult to pick up hours in my mom's office.